America the Beautiful, more like America the Fugly.

What happened to us? We used to be a nation of winners. Back to back World War champions, taking down the Soviets, going to space, creating the Oreo. We used to be pioneers.

We never took no for an answer, climbing every corporate ladder there was to climb and then we built new ladders out of hickory and musk. We danced to the beat of our own Bruce Springsteen songs and cried with Bruce Willis in “Armageddon.” We punched terrorists in the face and sent them the hospital bill.

But now, we’ve become a bunch of sissys. We make cars that need to be recalled while we play Call of Duty in our parents’ basements. We made blankets that allow us to use the remote while still being covered. President and former chairman of the first fight club Theodore Roosevelt would be rolling over in the coffin he built at age 5.

We all know this by now, but it’s worth repeating: America has dominated the world of sport. We are the best in the world at football, basketball, even hockey if you erase Canada from the last two Olympic Games. But now, our mighty empire must extend itself to somewhere it has never gone before: Soccer. America needs a new challenge, and just like Manifest Destiny, it is time to expand our resources and find some gold.

Enter the U.S. Women’s National Team.

This is a team of winners. This is a team that can restore our glory. This is a team worthy of Oreos.

This team is led by true Americans. Abby Wambach and her pixie cut slice through the heart of opponents’ defenses like an American knife through American butter. Megan Rapinoe bombs crosses like American beacons of justice. Alex Morgan sports her headband of truth.

These are the women that will carry us into the future of American prosperity.

First they destroyed Australia 3-1, then they conceded mercy against the Swedes by tying 0-0. After a Nigeria win, they brought down the hammer of truth on Colombia. The United States, just as in life, has yet to lose a game in this tournament.

On Friday comes China, the biggest test the Americans will face in this tournament. Pundits are calling it an epic match, but I know what’s at stake.

Economic supremacy.

It’s simple. Whoever wins Friday’s tilt in our brother’s backyard (Canada) will officially have the greatest economy in the world. Just as the lions fight one another for control of the pride, we shall battle China for world supremacy.

And I expect nothing less than an American victory. It’s what we know. You can’t shake a winning habit. Like herpes, it stays with you. So just like when we sent the redcoats on a permanent vacation across the Atlantic, we shall claim what is ours.

I would say God Bless America, but that would be redundant.

Thank you, and God Bless all the imitators who try. Sorry haters, but Kid Rock is ours, you can’t have him.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He loves his country, but hates apple pie. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on June 25, 2015 at 12:20 pm