Orange Mafia, it is an honor to be able to speak in front of you today as you graduate. I’ll make this brief, since security is on their way.

Every legendary commencement speech has three things that are addressed. First, they scare you into thinking you’ll never get a job. Second, they talk about how hard life will be and then they close with a statement about how life works. Don’t worry — I will hit all of these notes and might even play a sad montage with “Good Riddance” by Green Day to pass the time.

We are gathered here in the Carrier Dome to send off the class of 2015 the right way — by telling them that life is one long episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” In the words of FDR: we have nothing to fear but everything.

I know finding a job is a concern for a lot of you. Have no fear, because I have an opportunity that you can all get involved in, just in case your original plans don’t work out. It’s called “Orange Aid.” It’s a system to help graduates find new jobs in this vast marketplace (wow, nice phrasing Danny). So what happens is you give me $250, and I promise that I will find you a job by the end of the year. If I can’t find you a job, then you pay me an unemployment fee of $100 — which you pay for every year of unemployment. I am currently in debt to my boss by about three grand, but hey, you gotta spend money to make money.

If you find a job without my help (unlikely), the next step is adjusting to the real world. Brace yourself — some hard truths are coming at you faster than that final exam you should have prepared for. First off, in the real world, no one wants to hear what your dream was like last night. I know, this comes as a shock to me too, because I have the best dreams. Like last night I was riding an elephant with Mila Kunis and… I should stop, this will only encourage you.

The real world is going to want to eat you alive, so let’s talk about sharks. These terrifying aquatic demons are real and they want to eat you. They have an entire week and a Steven Spielberg movie dedicated to how petrifying they can be. So my advice is to stay away from all bodies of water just in case. Only drink water that costs at least $5 a bottle. The price ensures that is has been checked for sharks.

Life is going to be hard. I know this because I am 20. But in my 20 years I have lived a lot. I’ve logged more hours of “Call of Duty” than many adults who walk the earth today. I’ve seen some horrible things. Have you ever had to tell your best friend that you can’t finish the campaign because you have to go to your sister’s recital? You may not be ready for the bumps in the road, but that’s what makes them fun. I once hit a deer with my car, and next thing you know, my family had dinner for two weeks. You may not always know what’s coming, but that’s what makes surprise birthday parties so much fun. Well, that and the cake. Life has cake too, guys.

So that’s about it, I don’t know what else I can say. I should probably end with something really catchy though, for impact. OK here it goes.

Thank you, and “Good Morning, Vietnam!”

That didn’t work.

Thank you, and remember, “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.”

Published on May 7, 2015 at 8:00 am