It’s that time of year — time for the Syracuse Spring Power Rankings. Here are the top five things to look forward to now that the weather is getting (slightly) better. These rankings went through a sophisticated system in order to determine their placing on the list. And while I can’t tell you how I came to these conclusions, just know this is already more trustworthy than the Bowl Championship Series.

5. Brown snow

Arizona has red rocks, Michigan has the Great Lakes and Syracuse has soft snow that has browned due to dirt and slush. It has this vibrant glow, as if someone spilled chocolate pudding all over the city. If you ever wanted to be in a real life Willy Wonka movie, look no further than Syracuse. My favorite part is that it has the consistency of a crusty toupée — hard on the outside, soft on the inside. An urban legend is that the Choco Mountain level on Mario Kart 64 is based on Waverly Avenue in March.

4. Kids who smoke outside academic buildings

People are going to enjoy the sun of the Salt City in a myriad of ways and this one is my favorite. I have always wanted to be in a music video — and I can’t afford a fog machine — which is why I am so grateful for these guys. Smoking kills that horrible fresh air smell that makes me dizzy. To be quite honest, I never really liked breathing in regular air, it never had enough of that tar flavor that I had been searching for ever since I moved out of that coal mine. But fortunately, I have been reminded of my West Virginian roots.

3. The Quad turning into a public pool

Let’s get this out of the way now — if you don’t have a quad, you aren’t a real college. This is why once the weather becomes even remotely doable, the entire university will flock to it like Mike Tyson’s pigeons to enjoy its glory. To be honest, if you aren’t on the quad, do you even go here? It’s the most college tradition since shot-gunning Natties and wearing snapbacks while high fiving over your last failed paper. My theory is that the Quad has replenishing abilities, like the Pokémon Center, where once you step in it all of your ailments are cured. We are all Brock.

2. Ray-Bans

I can finally judge people without the fear of being that creepy guy who stares at everyone. College is a wonderful world of shame and judgment at every corner, and sunglasses are the subtle safe haven away from all of it. They’re such a perfect combination of “I’m trying to protect my eyes from the harsh rays of the sky fireball” and “I don’t care about anything.” I’m not pretending to be an athlete so I can’t wear Oakleys, and Kanye has dominated the aviator game since third grade. Plus, if you wear them indoors you’ll look really cool. Trust me, there’s a song about it.

1. Never doing work again

The obvious choice for the top spot for too many reasons, never doing work again holds the crown for the 45th spring in a row. This carries over from the corollary of the Syracuse handbook which states, “If the weather dips below 0 degrees Fahrenheit, you are allowed to skip school and do no work.” The latter half of that rule states that once the weather gets above bearable, work is out the window. It’s why those polar bears keep getting stuck on ice caps. Once the sun is out, they have no choice but to do nothing and enjoy it with a refreshing bottle of Coke. Last year my papers just ended up melting in 50-degree weather. I know there’s class, but when you go through that long of a winter, you deserve a few weeks off.

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. For spring cleaning, he will throw out a calendar. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on March 26, 2015 at 12:01 am