The other day, Kanye West tweeted. The content of said tweet was regarding a phone conversation between Wiz Khalifa and himself. Through trade agreements and Pulitzer-esque reporting, The Daily Orange has obtained the phone conversation and transcribed it for you here. While it is in normal type, please read all of Kanye’s words in caps.

Kanye West: Hey

Wiz Khalifa: Hey man

Kanye: Hey

Wiz: Hey

Kanye: HEY

Wiz: What?

Kanye: I heard what you’ve been saying about me.

Wiz: Yeah, and?

Kanye: I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Unsubscribe.

Wiz: I just don’t get the title of the alb—

Kanye: I don’t do ass play.

Wiz: What?

Kanye: You heard me, I said I don’t do ass play.

Wiz: That wasn’t me, that was Amb—

Kanye: You don’t think I haven’t thought about it? I see what you’re doing, sending Mrs. Rose out to psychologically damage me right before T.L.O.P. comes out.

Wiz: That’s not what I’m—

Kanye: You don’t think I can, right? That’s what this is about? Dude, I could get a colonoscopy every day for the rest of my life if I wanted to. Just to get in deep like Mekhi Phife.

Wiz: Did you just reference your own song?

Kanye: You don’t think I can do it, do you? Just watch me. Watch me as I break the Guinness World Record for most colonoscopies in a lifetime while also releasing the album of a lifetime.

Wiz: Can we actually talk about what I said?

Kanye: Fine. You have 1.45 light years before I have a meeting in South Dakota about a new experimental type of cashmere leather.

Wiz: Your music isn’t wavy; I mean, have you heard your last album? It’s so mechanical, which isn’t necessarily bad, I’m just saying that T.L.O.P. doesn’t represent who you are as an artist, it kind of came out of left field.

Kanye: Bro, that’s a very valid point. But at the same time, why are you interrupting my process? My creative process has different forms it may take. Naming an album is hard. Bro, do you even know what the original name of “The College Dropout” was?

Wiz: Nah.

Kanye: It was “The Final Endeavor of Rocky Balboa.”

Wiz: Stop it.

Kanye: Bro, I’m not even kidding you bro. The day before the album was set to release, my management team confronted me about it and said that it made no sense, since the songs were about leaving school and not a boxer from Philadelphia. So I changed the album title to “The College Dropout” and here we are bro. Here we are.

Wiz: Wow.

Kanye: So please, I’m asking as your godfather …

Wiz: You’re not my godfather.

Kanye: As your godfather, please allow me to create. I mean imagine this, bro. Imagine you have this coloring book. It’s a beautiful coloring book and it’s so perfect and you’re working on a picture of Batman that you’ve colored in so well for like six months. Then all of a sudden I came in and made some purple lines through your Batman drawing. Would you like that?

Wiz: Probably not.

Kanye: How would that make you feel?

Wiz: Honestly not great.

Kanye: So please, stop drawing purple sh*t on my Batman drawing, because T.L.O.P. is going to be big, bro.

Wiz: I hope it is.

Kanye: Don’t hope, hope is for dudes named Brian. It will be great.

Wiz: Alright man, looking forward to it.

Kanye: I’m glad we were able to have this adult conversation. I think that people should know that eating ass is something that should be taken very seriously.

Wiz: I’m glad we did this, too.

Kanye: I don’t want kids to be listening to this album and then thinking about Kanye West eating ass as a midnight snack. I’m trying to create a legacy.

Wiz: Do you, bud.

Kanye: I will, I got to go though. Kim has this corset she’s using to lose baby weight. Her kidney is in like her chest, bro. I’m so blessed.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television radio and film major. He thinks this conversation was probably more compelling than a rap beef about the Earth being round. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on February 8, 2016 at 7:53 pm